Grief

It never fails to creep up on me when I am feeling the most joy. Is it guilt? I like to think it is that whenever I feel joy, I think of all the joy she gave us kids... Like, I associate joyful feelings with her. Mom. I say her name about 10 times a day. Everyday. Without fail. 

I just had my first epidural. I have been having a lot of pain in my back. Pain from a bad herniated disc. As my pain management doctor said...it is not small. I cried while waiting, thinking of all the times she went through the same thing. I have been thinking of her through every step of this ordeal. I think the guilt and emotions are worse than the physical pain. It is just too much to feel like I have experienced her world a little. A little too late.

I left feeling great. Not cured.... Just great! Feeling happy it was over. Happy I had two whole hours to kill without kids. Happy that I finally downloaded the Shovels and Rope album I wanted.

Then it hit. That lump in the throat. It starts out feeling kind of dry and hard to swallow. Then it slowly slips down into my chest and blooms into something that feels hot and like so many bricks just weighing heavy and hard down on my lungs. Making it hard to breathe. Then the tears start to well up. Hot and sticky on the rims of my eyes until they finally overflow and spill out onto my cheeks and then just pour out like a bottomless well. If I am alone, and can let it come out, the sounds that come from my body are primal. They are like groans and growls and screams all rolled into one. If I am hidden from my children in the bathroom or laying quietly next to my sleeping husband and need to keep it in for the moment, then the sounds just turn back into the lump, and feel dry and hot in my throat until they move to my chest again. Pain. Heavy. Tears. Lump. Repeat.

It has been almost three years. It is definitely easier. I get the time heals things. But, I am changed forever. I will never be whole again. A piece of my heart is in heaven. 

Catching up... On the go!!!

I really feel sad that I do not keep up with this as well as I used to! It is such a great outlet for recording the day to day little odds and ends about the boys growing and just life in general;) soooooo.... I got the app! Now I can quickly say:

Shep is so cute. He loves the Thomas theme song and always looks at me when it comes on to get me to start swaying back and forth with him!

He is still almost bald, but will not wear a hat....usually. He wore one almost the whole time at a party yesterday!

He says brother ( only I can tell that one) ,  Jack, dog, and cookie. He is already running and can go up and down the stairs! He just started walking a couple of months ago!

Jack is doing great in kindergarten at KUMC. He is finally getting excited about learning and asking what certain words are. Not reading, yet.... But I am so proud of him and his progress!

He has learned to skateboard which blows mind! He still loves to snuggle with his momma and for that I am so grateful. I am constantly reminding myself that he will tire of that soon!

One

 

 We are still here...thriving, really. I am just not doing a great job of recording it all here on the ole bloggity-blog! Our baby boy is one! ONE!

Shepherd is such a sweet and good baby. I am so lucky to have him. He is crawling on all fours now, and pulling up on EVERYTHING! His little head pretty much stays banged up these days. He is a tough one, though! He says ma-ma, da-da, bye bye, dog, uh-oh, and brother. He loves to play with the tupperware when I am in the kitchen and LOVES to feed the dogs from the "table"."( his high chair) He has four teeth on the bottom and almost all four are in on the top. He loves to eat cheese puffs ( the baby kind), strawberries, green beans, peaches, bread and cheese. He does not really like the deli meat and chicken and hot dogs that I have tried to give him, so we don't press...otherwise, he will pretty much eat most everything we eat! He JUST started holding his bottle and drinking from a cup. That stubborn little guy would not lift a finger if he thought he could keep us working:) When he is finished drinking if we are holding the bottle or cup he will put his pointer and middle finger at the rim and push it away, very gentlemanly like! He is NOT very consistent in the sleep department. He will sleep from 7 till 7 for a few weeks and then suddenly just start waking at 3-4 am for days at a time. Yes, I usually blame teething or the fluid that they keep finding on his ears, but I think he is just not a really consistent sleeper. He is kind of sketchy on his naps too. He gets tubes in his ears next week, and although it is a very routine procedure, this momma is worried sick. He is a daddy's boy through and through. Jack was not really like this, so it is very noticeable. Dan HUNG THE MOON as far as Shep is concerned. He just coos, oohs ahhs and hollers when Dan walks in and reaches to daddy to be held. His favorite word is da-da. We sang Happy Birthday to big brother last night and Shep SANG. He really did. He has been singing with me since he was tee tiny! He can whistle and he LOVES to dance. Love that baby boy of mine! I am trying to take in every little baby moment without rushing us on to the next phase! His birthday party was on May the 19th, so as you can see I am behind on the picture posting. BUT, it happened, we celebrated in grand nautical style!

 

 What did I do before pinterest? Love this idea for putting berries and snacks in small cups for little hands!

 My cucumber whale was brilliant in concept ( from Pinterest of course) but the execution was a little "sideways" HA!

 

 Sail Boats

 

 

 Swedish Fish and blinking light squishy ball party favors.

About a week old on the left and about 8 months on the right.

The photo booth idea that I stole from Jarah was a hit....all the pics are on my phone and I think I posted them all to Facebook??? My sister Kelly whipped up this cute sign in about 2 seconds flat. Wish I had a batter pic of it!

The New Kid in Town

Look out...I am about to catch up on about 7 months worth of baby, so if you are in a hurry, this post might not be for you:)

Where does the time go? At one month I was struggling with all that comes with being a momma to a new baby. I was also figuring out how to be a mother of two. Breastfeeding...UGGGH...so hard for me! Shep was a natural. We did so amazing for the first two months. At about 6 weeks, he started cluster feeding in the evenings and I pretty much breast fed from about 5pm until about 10pm or until I was bone dry. Before long, I was bone dry more often than not and little Shepherd was not going to have it! After a bit of guilt, heartache and tears, I went to formula and did not look back.

 

At two months, I was getting in the swing of things. We had Shep on the boat a few times, and Jack and I took him to the pool at LEAST once a week! He is such a good baby. We just kept him fed and dry and he just came happily along for the ride. SWEET BOY! By this time, he weighed about 14 lbs. Even though he came into the world at an average 7lbs, he was never meant to be a little baby. Oh no...that 7lbs was 3 weeks before my due date...very much like Jack who arrived 4 weeks early at 6lbs 14oz.
At three months( picture above in Aubie outfit sleeping-I forgot the label) the smiles and ooohs and ahhs were in full swing. The grunting stopped. Up until about this time he grunted all night long. It gave me FITS! I could never sleep because I was afraid he was choking or something. NO, just GRUNTING!!! The above outfit was a 6 months size.


That did not last long. His four month picture is in a 9 month size and at his four month doctor's  appointment, he weighed 18 lbs. BIG BOY! Look at that grin. He'll give you the biggest smile, and then, he will squint his eyes and just get extra cute for you... I love it! I have been convinced that he has been teething since he was 4 months old, but at 7 1/2 months, still no teeth! He started solids about this time, and I thought he really liked it, but I guess I was wrong.  At this point, he cries when I bring out the food. He does not like eating from the spoon. He DOES like it when I mush my banana and give him tiny little bites!



At 5 months, I panicked and tried to get him wearing all of the 6-9 month clothing that I realized he was about to outgrow hence the snaps about to pop open in this picture. By this time, he was getting a lot stronger and I really started noticing how much he watched Jack. He just adores him ( and Jack loves his Shep). He was sleeping through the night at about 3 months, but about 5 months he decided to start waking up about 3-4 am for a bottle. He does not take a paci, so we were at a loss at what to do to comfort him. At first I thought it was a growth spurt, we were just getting up and feeding him. , and then at his 6 month check up, Dr. McGhee tells me that it is what she calls a "trained night feeding". Yes folks...we trained him to wake up in the wee hours of the morning...UGGGH!



Look at this doll. Rolling over and sitting up with some help to make sure he doesn't slam backwards! We had to switch him over to his big car seat ( the convertible rear facing) because he exceeded the weight limit on his carrier. Really, he was too heavy for me to carry in the carrier anyway, so I was kind of ready, but I dreaded letting go of the carrier because you can just get them out of the car and do things like grocery shop and they will stay asleep while you cart them around ( mostly).  He sits up now in the front of the cart with the padded cart cover that KK gave us when Jack was a baby. It blows my mind to see how fast he is growing!



Here he is at 7 months ( actually more like 7 1/2...the holidays really through me for a loop). I am feeling pretty confident that his eyes are going to stay blue. Dan and I were kind of shocked, but we love it and think they are pretty! He is IN LOVE with his brother. Watches his every move. Jack is equally smitten with Shep. He still asks to hold him all of the time and wants to go in and see him in his crib. It is so stinking cute. Of course, he is also loud during nap time which I have a VERY low tolerance for. I am trying to let it go a bit, but poor little Shep is always on the go with us and I just want him to get his rest. I think we have established the fact that he is a very fast growing boy!
Dan and I just put our foot down on the night feedings. I went through three nights of hell trying to comfort him with no bottle and no paci. Finally it was Friday and I asked Dan to take a shift. Shepherd slept straight through  for him( of course) until about 5:30 am and has been doing pretty good with it since. He still wakes about 4 am, but he is quiet and I think drifts in and out until about 5 or 5:30. Please say a little prayer that this keeps up! It has been nice getting to sleep straight through!



CRAZY big brother. Poor Shepherd does not have a chance.



Crazy or not, we are all so happy and looking forward to a great 2013!


One of these boys is Jack and one is Shep. Can you guess who is who? Could be twins, right?

Baby Steps

Whoah am I ever behind!!! I have so many little things that I want to say, post pictures of, etc...but this is really just a little stolen moment that I should not be spending blogging...so, baby steps. I will give you one thought today.

My oldest son is SOOOO materialistic this Christmas. All he does is ask for everything that he sees. Of course as parents we want to give them the world, but there is a huge gap between what I would like to do for my boys and what I am realistically capable of doing for my boys! Plus, there is this whole thing of how my husband and I worry that we are going to spoil him. I mean, it could even be too late. He has EVERYTHING! I know that some things just come with the age, but he just does not accept the fact that he cannot have everything that he sees.

I took him with me to choose a toy to give to a little boy his age who was less fortunate. He did a great job choosing. Once we got home with it, he whined for weeks about how he wanted it. I figured, it is his age, stick with it, keep explaining the lesson. It is a hard one, I know, but something that I feel he should at least be exposed to. Christmas is Jesus' birthday. It is a season of giving.

Still, he was bitter. He wanted the toy for himself. He continues to insist that Santa bring him everything that he sees. OK, I am getting worn down and starting to think, whoah, I have created a MONSTER!

Until....

We took the boys to the church for cocoa and cookies with Santa a few weeks ago. There was a "secret shop" that volunteers would take the children in with an allowance and a list of who to buy for. Jack got to shop for mommy, daddy, and little brother. They even helped him wrap it!

He has been soooo excited to give his little gifts. He wants to tell us what it is but we keep reminding him it is a secret. The only presents under the tree so far are the ones that Blu bought for us. He doesn't seem to mind at all that there is nothing there for him. He takes the gifts that he bought and shakes them and taunts us with how great they are! One night, we were laying and watching TV and he said, "mommy, you are going to really love your gift. It is going to be so great. I just want you to be happy on Christmas Eve. I love you".

* insert tear here *

So, I guess he IS getting exposed to the spirit of giving this year.

I think he is seeing that giving CAN be better than receiving.

So proud!

Of course, I am sure he will still expect, a radio remote control monster truck that can drive over rocks and grass, a race around track, fixers ( luigi and guido), a train track, turn pieces....oh the list goes on, but like I said,

baby steps!

 

 

SGI- We Love You So!

We had an amazing beach get away a couple of weeks ago.

I closed the shop for a week, but I am still terribly behind. I am so grateful that I am so busy, but my goodness...I am so busy!

So anyway, it is totally worth it to have had this time with my family.

These little boys have stolen my heart and I do not think I will ever be the same.

 

I had so much fun building castles in the sand with Blu.....

 



 

And Blu....well Blu had his fun knocking them down!

 

We were up past our bedtimes, up waaay too early each morning and did not get naps.

So we had a few frowny faces and pouts.

 



 

This was an especially tricky evening!

 

 

He did get his second wind later!

 

 

Shepherd was a perfect little doll baby as usual. He is such a laid back baby!

 



 

 

I guess he doesn't have much choice with the way that we drag him around!

He spent most of his beach time in his carrier...with a fan to keep him cool of course. We tried laying him on the towel, but that blasted sand is everywhere and he kept getting it in his sweet eyes and mouth.

 

 

This was Blu's pose at the end of every day. OUT COLD!

 

 

Do you get carried away with sunrise and sunset pictures at the beach? I am always in such awe of the beauty that I take the same sunrise picture over and over!

 

 

This baby is so adorable. I dressed him for the pool two days in a row, but the poor little fella was just so tuckered out, he slept right through pool time!

No hurry...there will be plenty of time for swimming next year!

 



 

Sunrise off our patio...so pretty!

 



 

I love this kid!

 



 

We had so much fun searching for treasures on the beach on our last day.

We found the most GIANT shell and I thought we were both going to lose our minds we were so excited!

 



Goodbye Saint George Island. We will miss you until next year ( hopefully!)

Almost three months already!

Well, Shepherd is almost three months old and I realized that I never posted any two month pictures!

He came home with this crazy grunting habit. He must have picked it up at the hospital!

HA!

No seriously...I actually talked to the Dr. about it. I was worried. the kid grunted ALL NIGHT LONG in his sleep. I was so worried that he as in some type of pain or something. The Dr. was not concerned, so I just learned to tune it out.

I guess I was so good at ignoring it, that I just realized it has stopped. It could have happened anytime in the last few weeks...not sure. All I know id that it is gone and I am PROUD!

He is sleeping from about 8pm till about 4am. He takes a quick bottle and then goes back to sleep until about 6:30 or 7. It is pretty awesome!

He is smiling now and Big D and I just eat it up. He "talks" more than any baby I have ever heard. His little coos and ahhs are the sweetest sounds.

He is such a good baby. My only complaint right now is that is will not take a good nap during the day. Just a bunch of cat naps. Nothing more than about 30 minutes. I am worried that he is not getting enough rest. But hey, if that is all that I have to complain about, then I am doing pretty good, right?

Changes for the Better

 Going from a family of three to a family of four has been lots of fun and lots of work!

We have a Memorial Day baby and a Fourth of July baby!

Well, neither on the exact date, but super close. That is going to make for busy summers EVERY year with birthday parties to plan and execute!

Invitations, thank you notes, invitations, thank you notes....ahh, the postal service is going to love us at this time of year!

I promise that I am not pinching him here!

ANYWAY, the point of the post is to say, that I have officially turned in my notice at my daytime gig and am a stay at home mom, now.

Well, a work at home mom anyway!

I think the look in my eyes says it all....I am not so sure about this. I have been working outside of the home since I was 15 years old. This is going to take some getting used to.

Just the fact that I have not been setting an alarm for the mornings is SUPER weird to me.

I will be tackling the Pickle Tree full time.

So far, I found that I have less time to work at it than when I was working.
Go figure.

This staying at home bit is tough.

But so far, I am LOVING every minute of it and I am certain that once Blu is in school, I will find a routine.
Right now, we are just in an anything goes because it is summer state of mind!

So, sorry for the absence, but I have been adjusting to so many new things. It is hard to fit in fun frivolous stuff like blogging!

This is going to be a true adventure for me. I am looking forward to it and am anxious about it at the same time!

Say a little prayer for me.

And stay tuned to The Pickle Tree. I am trying to keep it low right now, but once school starts I should be turning up the volume!