Friday, March 7, 2014


It never fails to creep up on me when I am feeling the most joy. Is it guilt? I like to think it is that whenever I feel joy, I think of all the joy she gave us kids... Like, I associate joyful feelings with her. Mom. I say her name about 10 times a day. Everyday. Without fail. 
I just had my first epidural. I have been having a lot of pain in my back. Pain from a bad herniated disc. As my pain management doctor is not small. I cried while waiting, thinking of all the times she went through the same thing. I have been thinking of her through every step of this ordeal. I think the guilt and emotions are worse than the physical pain. It is just too much to feel like I have experienced her world a little. A little too late.
I left feeling great. Not cured.... Just great! Feeling happy it was over. Happy I had two whole hours to kill without kids. Happy that I finally downloaded the Shovels and Rope album I wanted.
Then it hit. That lump in the throat. It starts out feeling kind of dry and hard to swallow. Then it slowly slips down into my chest and blooms into something that feels hot and like so many bricks just weighing heavy and hard down on my lungs. Making it hard to breathe. Then the tears start to well up. Hot and sticky on the rims of my eyes until they finally overflow and spill out onto my cheeks and then just pour out like a bottomless well. If I am alone, and can let it come out, the sounds that come from my body are primal. They are like groans and growls and screams all rolled into one. If I am hidden from my children in the bathroom or laying quietly next to my sleeping husband and need to keep it in for the moment, then the sounds just turn back into the lump, and feel dry and hot in my throat until they move to my chest again. Pain. Heavy. Tears. Lump. Repeat.
It has been almost three years. It is definitely easier. I get the time heals things. But, I am changed forever. I will never be whole again. A piece of my heart is in heaven.